Shit’s About To Get Conditional
- Spiritual Journey Of A Slut
- Sep 25, 2021
- 5 min read
Updated: Oct 9, 2021
preface: this was in my drafts and I wrote a bit of it before I actually moved a few weeks ago now so that’s why it’s talking about a U-Haul, etc. I just thought I’d throw that out there in case you keep up with my blogs… and if so… hey honey thank you 😘
I’m late as fuck on:
Moving out
I’m also late to return the damn U-Haul because I was just trying to get as much as I could packed and moved to my storage unit… I still didn’t get done.
So now I’m walking home after I finally dropped the uhaul off 3 hours late.
You know I smoked cigarettes in the damn thing so I had to do cig damage control before I took it back.
Then, when I get to the apartment I’ll have to go online and rent another uhaul if I can’t find someone with a damn truck.
I’ve come to the realization that I’m a “giver” obviously.. too much of one. An enabler. Empathetic as hell. And an “unconditional” lover with no boundaries.
I literally grew up in a home with absolute unconditional love that NEVER wavered. I have thought that was a good thing my whole life because I sure can love another person to my detriment and literally stretch myself so thin trying to help anyone in my life. Hence the anger problem. It’s been a cycle since I can remember….
step 1: Meet someone.
step 2: We bond really well. Like too well.
step 3: They tell me whatever they think I want to hear and know about them... usually lies or stretches of the truth.
This is one of the first signs of someone with high narcissistic traits apparently. Mirroring and love bombing.
[because before the last couple years I was unaware of what a narcissist even truly was. I knew the actual diagnosis and some of its’ signs/symptoms but didn’t put 2 and 2 together to make 4 and let me just say… my life was full of them. That’s all I was around or chose to have around, rather. It was my normal due to an abusive-at-times childhood and young adulthood… my father and mother included in those with these traits.]
So new person tells me what I wanna hear…
step 4: I think it’s genuine every single time because I know I’m coming from a genuine place so why wouldn’t other people I come into contact with also be doing the same?
step 5: the whole relationship is a rollercoaster of me feeling resentful then forgiving because I understand; them requiring more and more of me for the relationship to exist and me losing myself in the process. I also do my fair share of “shit” because I’m resentful at a certain point.
fuck.all.of.that.shit.
Plus, being a mentally ill lil slut, I had no self love (of which I was also unaware) so my self worth came from people pleasing and unconditionally loving and helping and fixing and literally just overworking myself my entire life.
I couldn’t have been this way and just ya know… have normal work ethic. Hell no. I also just overall have extremely over the top work ethic because I’m a perfectionist/OCD as a mf.
I hope you can begin to see just how badly I’ve fucked my life up at times trying to PERFECTLY love and be loved in return ALLLLL AND ONLY people that “take” as their means of getting self worth.
I can’t name more than 3 people that I’ve been friends/in a relationship with in real life for my entire life that weren’t “takers” aka narcissists. I hate that word so much. It’s gross at this point because it’s been overly used and is now borderline inappropriate and dehumanizing for those with the disorder.
I had a 50/50 chance of being “me” or being “them”. It’s 2 sides cut from the same cloth, both stemming from childhood abuse and trauma (mainly), genetics, predisposition, family hx, etc.
My energy perfectly aligned with narcissists every step of the way. I do far to much giving and they do far too much taking because of that. I’m just as much at fault for my life and lack of good people around me as they are.
That ones’ a hard pill to swallow in a way… and in another way I’m thankful for the realization because I’ve drove myself crazy over the years wondering if I was just unaware that I was the bad guy because of how much of a pattern it was in my life for all my friendships to end with me feeling used and resentful.
It didn’t seem likely it was all a coincidence.
I guess I’ve somewhat known this all along but couldn’t quite accept it because of how hard I was working to keep the friendships alive. Working harder as years went by and I became so overly understanding and empathetic.
Just like my grandparents, who regardless of their intention, raised 2 psychopaths as children out of pure love. It’s hard to blame them. I believe that intention is important here, too.
But, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sheesh.
So anyway, that’s my newest advancement in this “figure out how to fix my brain” journey spirituality edition. I’m back home finally and going to keep packing and maybe find a truck.
Hopefully by the next time I move, I’ve learned self love enough to have meaningful supportive real life friends able to help me if needed.
One can hope.
Wanderer Vibes
I’m trying to just drive somewhere. Alone. Meet new people. Be unconventional as hell. Fall so far in love with a likeminded mother fucker that I can’t stand it and love him/them so very much. But, only after I fall so far in love with myself that I never ever pick the same type of people ever again to have around me.
If I stumble upon another person unwilling to meet me in the middle… or see their own negatives… or own up to their mistakes and problems… I give up. I’m SO sick of it. It’s absolutely my own fault. But FUCK I could vomit at the people I’ve had around recently. They fucking SUCK I can’t even begin to explain it. I fucking SUCK too, though.
If you knew me 2 years ago, you absolutely would think you’ve got the wrong person. It’s a night and day difference. Nurse “me” was fucking perfect and miserable. This “me” fucks up constantly but I haven’t felt more “me” in my life. I’ll take the fuck ups for the real me… any day. Maybe this is self love 😵💫 my GOD I hope so.
by OBYCF [OneBitchYouCantForget] Adult Content Creator, Probably Mentally Unstable, Artist, RN BSN
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