My Stuff, My Problem: How NOT To Get Rid of Your Possessions and Live Free
- Spiritual Journey Of A Slut
- Sep 14, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Sep 24, 2021
Seems simple… my stuff, my problem.
But, as simple as it sounds... it‘s been a very crazy time in my weird homeless journey.
I want to be a person who isn’t tied down by any possessions. I am not her yet. I will be, though. And that’s what matters.
My storage units are a huge source of stress for me. Why do I care? I am much more attached to “things” than I even imagined I’d be. It’s not all of the things really. It’s the things that I decided mean something to me.
But, when you are forced to make decisions on “meaning something” vs “not meaning something” there’s just grey area really. No definite line or sense you can truly make from it. Everything began to have some sort of “meaning” to me.
I would hype myself up on the “get rid of everything” idea and be truly ready to do so… so I thought. I’d start going through my stuff to find the absolute necessities to survive… and I would find significant meaning in every single thing I picked up down to the most insignificant item I own. And so, I’d put it in a “maybe” pile.
The maybe pile was a fucking joke. It began consisting of every single thing I touched. So I was getting absolutely no where besides moving my stuff from packed to unpacked and in a maybe pile of doom.
I was going insane each time I did this. I could not let go of some (most) stuff. It had me feeling like I was literally so far off where I want to be. I would get discouraged, usually cry lol, and then smoke. Then a few hours would go by and I would hype myself up to the get rid of everything idea again.
A horrible cycle I went through at least a dozen times over the week it took me to move.
I got so possessive and particular about my stuff over the course of the week, too. My half sister came to help me move and I was like a fucking lunatic watching every single thing she picked up making sure it was “time” for that certain thing to go to the moving truck or not. Ew. I was disgusted with myself to be honest.
U-Haul is probably sick of me
I ended up self sabotaging and cycling between keep everything and everything must go so much that I had to rent a new U-Haul 3 times because I’d run out of time and mental space and my truck would have to be returned. I also was late by 3 or 4 days on getting the last one back. Lol. 😵💫 Literally, I spent over $500 that I don’t have to spend on fucking U-HAUL. I could puke.
To add insult to injury… U-Haul kept trying to call me when I was late for days… I just didn’t answer. I saw them calling. I just avoided it because literally I was embarrassed because they had told me they really needed the truck back by the next morning and I just didn’t show up. Ugh. The guy even made sure with me that I would have it back over the phone. I said…
“yes sir it will 100% be back by that time. I don’t have much left to move.”
I had it 3 more damn days. He was there when I finally returned it and I just avoided him lol I was being such a pussy I’m not sure what my problem was but I was going through some mental suffering for real.
I also now have FOUR storage units. 1 I had prior to ever moving (5x10ft), I got a larger 2nd one at the same place that was supposed to hold all my stuff from my apartment (10x10ft). THEN during the whole “hold a uhaul hostage for 3 or 4 days” thing… I ran out of space in my 10x10 so I had to literally return my uhaul with it half full.
I got another 5x5 unit at U-Haul… Then, I ran out of time and space trying to get the rest of the stuff off the truck… so I cried and just left it. Lmfao. Literally so much stuff still in the back of it. I couldn’t find my lock and they were about to lock the doors to get in... I also couldn’t shut the damn door so I left the unit just half open and unlocked and walked out.
So then the next day I decided
“screw that stuff, I’ll just let it all go”. I can’t be someone that cares about her stuff so much it’s insanity.
I finally felt ok about it and had accepted it. I was finally thinking that I could do this. it was just going to take some… force. Lol
Well…
Ol’ U-Haul called again a day or so later.. they wanted to know when I could get my stuff from the back of the truck so it could be returned 😩
It was just sitting there still costing me money, while I was thinking they’d just throw it away or put it on the side of the road or something, and I’m living my life and finally happy I was able to make the decision to say fuck the rest of my stuff. Damnit.
nope.
I went down there... paid a few hundred dollars… got 2 more storage units and moved out of the 5x5ft into two 5x10ft so I’d have plenty of room for what was left. what the fuck.
Thank god U-Haul was so patient with me. They also put one of their own locks on my 5x5ft unit that I had to leave open and unlocked with a note saying what to do to get it unlocked. Even though I was happy I finally said fuck my stuff, I was also happy that they called me because I had my stomach drop a few times when I realized a couple of the items that I had left on that truck and was having trouble mentally parting ways with them…
my laptop (with a lot of personal stuff on it and memories),
a scrapbook I dedicated some serious sweat and tears into making,
and a leather bag my step dad gave me a year before he died.
It also doesn’t help that I am an all or nothing thinker. It’s like if I get rid of important stuff I care about then I feel I must just get rid of all of it because if I can do it with one thing I can do it with all things. Alternately, if I come to a bump in the road and just can’t let go of something I believe I SHOULD be able to get rid of… I backtrack and throw my hands up and try to figure out how to just keep all of it and then “I’ll go through it later when I am more able to get rid of it” smh. Right.
So here I am, car packed full of “essentials”, 4 storage units, and I’m licking my wounds from spending $500 on U-Haul.
Being homeless is a little annoying so far. I have a feeling it will get much better, though.
I am doing this for myself.. I want to prove to myself that I can let go of all that society says I must do to be “successful” and “happy” because at the end of the day… I have been successful. I’ve had a home(s), enough money to spoil myself, I’ve had “stuff” (too fucking much of it I’m well aware now), I’ve had a decent car(s), I went to college & graduated with a BSN after 5 years of mental hell, I’ve clocked in and out of a soul sucking career, I’ve proven my worth at said career. I’ve earned respect in many areas of my life, personally and professionally.
Absolutely 0 of those things listed above made me even the slightest bit happy. None. Z e r o.
They just gave the appearance of success and happiness without providing it. I constantly felt like
“this can‘t be it for me…
this can’t be what everyone works so hard towards”.
It felt like a cruel joke and a repetitive routine of nothing but “being ok”. I realize the good of being ok. But, once you are there and remain there… ok isn’t rewarding. It isn’t what I want my 1 life on earth to solely consist of.
What truly makes me happy and to feel successful?
I still need time to answer that fully. But, I do know what doesn’t so far. I also know a few places to explore…
what makes me happy as it stands now:
loving a partner and feeling truly loved in return
spending time with likeminded friends
adventuring with people mentioned above
getting fucked up and making memories with people mentioned above
creating art, content, anything worthwhile that other people find some meaning in
organizing/cleaning/making sense of an otherwise cluttered place and bringing order to it
being outside, when it’s warm. At the beach or mountains. I love the moon and nighttime especially. I also prefer this to be enjoyed with people mentioned above
working for myself.. putting in the hard work and dedication it takes to do so and feeling what it means to reap those benefits
using my voice to bring some sort of small or big justice to those (or myself) that deserve it and need it
remaining on and steadily progressing this spiritual journey and getting to a place that truly gets me to peace and understanding. I can literally see it’s where this leads. I can feel it at times but it’s fleeting. It takes the work and time and good intent to get there.
To add to number 10…
I know once I’m there I can focus on being what others need and what can bring others the happiness I’ve tried to bring all these years with overly people pleasing and “fixing”. I realize now that I HAVE to be at the place I always try to get others to first or else what good is it? If I’m not willing to take my own advice or figure it out then why did I think I was capable of doing it for others? I was putting in the effort towards other people’s needs because I felt i didn’t deserve that same effort for myself. Now I know I do.
Hindsight is 20/20.
**Update**
so we have a problem… if the “keeping most of my stuff” and paying for 4 units wasn't enough of a problem… this one takes the cake.
I’VE NOW GOT AN INFESTATION OF ROACHES AT THE MAIN STORAGE UNIT WITH MOST OF MY STUFF.
I’ve had another unit there for YEARS and never ever had roaches… I’ve also personally never had roaches in my home, I’m a fucking OCD perfectionist CLEAN FREAK.
If this isn’t a fucking sign from the universe that I better let go of my stuff or else I’m stuck, I don’t know what is. This moving/homeless quest has tried to point me in the direction of…
~Do Not Continue Thinking Possessions Matter To You~
However, I’ve fought the hell out of it each step of the way and each time, a new problem arises. I know it should be easier to just say fuck the stuff now… nope.
What is wrong with me and why do possessions matter?
DO I FOR SOME REASON BELIEVE THAT MY NEWLY ROACH INFESTED BELONGINGS BRING ANY JOY?
Apparently yes, yes I do. Ew.
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