The Spiritual Journey Of A Slut - When It Began

The Spiritual Journey of a Slut. Me. Digital. 2021

Let’s talk about those words for a minute...

I’m not even going to start by claiming I know what they are really or what they fully entail. I have no idea my place in the process. I feel as though I am not there yet. That’s all I know.

But, I also don’t feel at the beginning.

But, at the beginning I don’t think I realized I was at a beginning of anything anyway.

That’s why this is so strange. But amazing. But painful. And mind opening. It’s EVERYTHING I guess.

Not to get too “philosophical” on ya.

Hopefully my new self will still be slutty

and use vulgar language, bitchy, occasional (I hope not more than that) and responsible drug use for the experience and not for the “because I have to”. But, maybe that’s dancing with the devil. I’m not sure yet my thoughts on it completely, but I’ll let you know.

I’ve been creating the fuck out of anything and everything important to me right now. A lot of art. Painting. Digital art. Sad artistically edited videos.

That’s why I don’t feel at the beginning, because this has been an obvious change in “me” but it started some weeks/month ago.

But maybe “whatever” is for the rest of my life.

Fuck I’m at the beginning 😅

Ok well hi I’m at the very beginning. But it’s somewhere. I’m very lucky & happy to be able to go through it as I didn’t even know “it” existed (as I realize it now anyway) before now really.

I had watched a few videos prior and maybe that was my beginning? but I didn’t really grasp what it was meaning or what I could do to get me there. I was just becoming interested in all of it and wanting to be happy and free but unsure of the way.

I’ve felt a change in me since my partner and I split up. I got to rock bottom for real. I‘ve never wanted to die so damn bad and didn’t really know what was going to happen but was just praying that I didn’t get that down and out that I did harm myself. I think that was the sole reason I didn’t.

“Me” didn’t truly want to, but my ego was suffering greatly.

I’ve wanted to let go of this ego forever. Especially since I realized the set backs and the obvious signs it was the only thing standing in my way.

It took my ex to push my limits and just strip me of that last bit of stupidity hanging onto my ego. Plus, randomly, I got hypnotized to bring out my inner submissive side and be able to submit completely (I don’t know ok? Lol) maybe that opened up some places for light to shine in and me to wake the fuck up.

Also, last year while I was in counseling I did EMDR therapy which helped me a great deal on some of my earlier traumas. It didn’t quite seem to help the current one but that’s my own fault, I continued to put myself in the position to be traumatized over and over.

My counselor was a great person that truly wanted to help me which is rare in my life, unfortunately. She is one person I think of when I think of people that are just… good. I like that feeling. It’s the same feeling my grandparents always gave me. It’s familiar, it’s reassuring, it’s comfortable. It’s home. It’s love. It’s respect. It has great value to me. You never have to wonder or question motives, which is a mind fuck in and of itself. A mind fuck I’m tired of putting my own self through instead of just staying away from whoever makes me feel like I’m about to be mind-fucked. My mind has been fucked more than my pussy ever has. And that’s slut facts for real.

Anyway. I’m awake kinda… at the beginning. Got a little sleepy in my eyes. Little bit hazey. Might be in and out of the dream I was in. But, I’m coming out of my sleep. Still tired & might fall back asleep a few more times. But that’s ok I think.

Make Waves. Source: unknown

Honorable mentions that directly link to this experience?

At least they feel linked and spiritual by nature to me.

I’m not “sure” of any thing right now or for some weeks. I’m in mental pain, mostly. But choosing to try to see the funny side of it all. Because like my grandpa always said and tried to get me on board with, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff (and it’s all small stuff!)” fuck.

He was, per usual, right. But you can’t “do” until you’re ready I’ve learned. I just wasn’t quite ready. And that’s ok. I am now. I can see little glimpses of hope and little windows into what feels amazing when I will no longer care like I have my whole life prior.

Not in the way like I don’t want to care about people. But, it’s about the care-about-EVERYTHING-ness that I so greatly possessed.

I was borderline paranoid at all times. Constantly hyper-vigilant. A people pleaser. A “toxic boy” fixer. A perfectionist to the extreme. A miserable and overly empathetic and stressed nurse. An all or nothing thinker, etc.

I wouldn’t consider myself a victim but I do see much more victimization overall that I used, now that I can see more clearly. That is sad because before now I would have considered myself the opposite of a victim. In many ways, I was.

But it’s crazy what our mind convinces us is real about ourselves and the world.

One good thing that I’ve come to conclude that I was battling… my ex is not evil. I didn’t always think this of him honestly. I thought he had some evil in him at times of anger. But I saw the good man he is also. That’s why I held on so long through all of it.

I KNEW it didn’t feel right to just go “no contact” or whatever the fuck they tell you to do. (Don’t take my experience as advice please). It’s not for everyone and every circumstance.

I always felt this inner turmoil with every article, every youtube video, everything said was they cannot and will not change. I think that’s a bunch of bullshit. I had self doubts thinking I was just tricking myself because I wanted him to be able to change. But, I feel it very much so that they can change in due time. It must be them to make that change though.

But I think if shown the right compassion and no judgment, etc., they could back off of being unwilling to face their inner demons.

The world getting so “anti-narcissism” all of a sudden is not a good thing I don’t believe. You cannot ostracize groups of people like that.

Anyways, those are my controversial views on the narc variety. They are people, too, is what I’m making sure I move forward seeing and believing and in how I act.

Also,

I had a VERY unique and vivid dream that was given to me by my step dad.

So, a backstory to better understand the significance: my step dad passed away yesterday in the morning hours from a heart attack. My step dad and I were close. He was more my dad than my real dad by far.

I love him very much. I truly appreciate all that he did for me and what he ended up meaning to me and my life and my own path. I miss him so much.

I spent almost every day at his house. I’ve spent hundreds and hundreds of hours cleaning his shop and also his VP house. (that’s what I’ll call it because he mostly lived in “the trailer” but moved to “the VP house” the last year of his life).

He was with my mom 13 or so years. And, in my opinion, being abused financially and mentally (and sometimes physically) by my mom for that many years also. That is why him and I got along so well at times… we could relate on the new thing(s) mom did or was doing to screw us over.

When I got in-the-know on abusive relationships, that came with the realization my step dad was in the same boat I was.

I tried to talk to him about it many times and just give him my straight up facts on the matter. His personality type and my personality type did not mesh well together at times. I’m opinionated and assertive and even aggressive on something I am passionate about. He was wishy washy on his opinions depending on who he was around and actively tried to have the opposite opinion to mine when I was being pushy. He also had leftover abusive tendencies himself that he didn’t realize (as do I) from years of mental abuse. He was an enabler and people-fixer. He would also, on occasion, believe what lies my mom would tell him about me and it felt very much so like he was just against me out of no where no matter how loyal and trustworthy I was to him. No matter that he knew she was a liar.

I’m an ENFJ and he’s an ISTP. So, if that means anything to you, you’ll understand what I’m saying. I think he did sense I was right but I was too pushy. I should have backed off and let him explore it in a better way. But, at least we had the talks. He knows now. I felt very connected with him during this, combined with all the time I spent with him the last few years and because I could empathize greatly with him (and he empathized with me, too) on what he was also going through. Him and I were both being abused by her… for years.

I couldn’t believe not only was the realization I was being abused by my partner at the time becoming very apparent… now I had to face the fact that my mom was doing the same thing and has for the last 10+ years and I was just in an alter universe.

A manipulated, stressful, and insecure universe.

You keep letting them back in because that’s all you know and you feel a lot of shame for this and isolate yourself from others because they are tired of hearing you say you are “done” only to… not be done at all. It makes people not want to help anymore at a certain point.

My step dad and I at least understood each other each time we got treated badly and then willingly went straight back to hell for more. I’m glad I could be something like that for him even if just a little bit. Those people that support you each and every time without getting annoyed or with understanding and compassion are truly a rare find but so important to the process. I‘d say 95% of those around me stopped giving any support at a certain point. Or at all. Usually, it was after the 2nd time of needing a shoulder to lean on and still going back to what made me need that shoulder.

I can’t blame those people if they have never been through it. If they have, either they are oblivious or don’t want to remember or learn/grow from it OR they don’t have a similar history as me which is one of chaos and one that promoted abusive behavior much of the time. It became my normal. I became the scape goat for my real parents. I was also molested as a young child. Abuse and “people fixing/pleasing” is home game territory for me.

Anyways,

So I was talking about my dream I was given by my step dad the day he passed away…

In it, my mom was driving me around (which is significant because I actively refused to let her drive me at all because I always felt slightly unsafe with her being in control which she loved having over me any time she could) and she was on the road that the VP house is on. She looked over at me and saw my seatbelt not on (I always wear my seatbelt so this was strange to me). She said “oh what is happening!” As if the car was out of control. Her actions and lack of fear showed me she was lying.

I remember thinking in my dream, “why is she saying that?” Next thing I know, she’s speeding up. I grab my seatbelt but realize it’s not enough time to buckle it. She risks her own life (but with her seatbelt on) to kill me. I died. She did not.

I woke up at that part and had a strange energy inside me. I had strong electrical shocks shooting through my body. Like the feeling of your foot being asleep but it was all over and not uncomfortable. It was intense and intriguing and I laid there wondering about it while it was happening. It lasted about 1 minute. This was the beginning of this spirituality I now have. Many other stories are just like mine when concerning spiritual awakening. Maybe they are ALL lying... or maybe you just haven’t been through it to understand it yourself if you have doubts as you read this.

It was so real.

I knew in my dream that she was doing that to be able to gain sympathy from everyone. She wanted people to feel sorry for “poor Jill” because she has it so rough that she accidentally killed her own daughter and “oh no!” I’m sure she feels awful!!!”. It’s evil. Even during my waking up process, she’s the only “evil” I feel.

I want to stay far away from her for good this time. One can hope. She actively kept me from seeing/knowing about my step dads’ heart attack the weeks leading up to his death. He was in ICU. I had no idea. I texted sooo many times wondering what he was doing and why he was not speaking to me.

Also, she has still yet to call me about his death. I had to find out from her friend on Facebook messenger. Her hate runs so deep that it can’t be placed to the side to just let me know of the death of my dad.

Becoming spiritual is scary. But, really important for any hope of happiness in my life. Thank you for jumpstarting this journey for me step dad, I love and miss you.

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by OBYCF [OneBitchYouCantForget]

Adult Content Creator, Probably Mentally Unstable, Artist, Newly Spiritual, RN-BSN linktr.ee/OBYCF