Random Rants, Beliefs, Ideas, & Connections I’ve Made So Far / My Spirituality & Me [updated 9/4/21]

Spiritual Journey Of A Slut
Jul 21, 2021
15 min read

Updated: Feb 13, 2022

This is a post where I brainstorm and make random connections. I write freely about my weird quirks and also just explain how they are important in my journey. This will seem like it has no actual point and I just ramble on.. that’s because you are correct. Lol. But I still believe I make some decent points anyway. I will just continue to update this post when it’s relevant

Table of Contents

1. Baths

2. Abortion

3. Attachment trauma

4. My love is endless. I’m abused and I abuse, too

5. Dreams 6. 11/11 and 11:11

7. Jill taking over my dreams

1. Baths

When I was pregnant, especially, and for some time afterward, I spent almost 24/7 in my bathtub; crying, thinking, planning, deciding, wondering, etc. I would be so shriveled after getting out that my skin would actually peel off in sheets when it dried out.

I would sleep the entire night in the bathtub.

I felt stange for this but there was an overwhelming feeling that I had to be in the bath in warm water. I still do this at times now but much less often. Baths are actually a big part of my “healing” process throughout my life.

Anytime I’m sick/feverish: the absolute first thing I want to do is take a bath. When I have a UTI: bath.

When I’m upset: bath.

Some of my best memories with partners and when I felt the most loved: in the bath together.

Baths are important to me as weird as that sounds. I’ve always loved them. They have always helped me very much; helped me to find comfort and to feel warm and to feel safe in a way. It’s my place to think and solve problems; my own meditation, I guess.

Link to my journey

I just watched a video about when someone is immersed in water, they can receive much more energy and spiritual guidance because it’s fluid. Water is a conductor of electricity. My baby was also in water in utero. We were more connected during that time which I felt, in a way, while in the bath… as strange as that sounds.

Although it was difficult, I think my time spent in water is what helped me come to the conclusion of an abortion due to the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and what I felt was the ultimate path my child would have to go on if born.

2. Abortion

I could absolutely not make my child go through trauma similar to me. The abortion, in turn, was a deeply traumatic event in my life that I needed to truly grow from. I took the inevitable trauma from what my baby would have faced and faced it myself instead.

I also faced my demons of not being able to raise my child at that time which was my karma to meet. I learned a great deal about my strength and my ability to go against the masses alone (and with a few supportive people online) with only myself to fall back on. My ability to remain true to who I am and what I believe in against odds. I’m proud of who I am for this abortion even though many don’t agree with it. If you are against abortion,

I encourage you to ask yourself:

who are you actually helping by making sure every baby is born that is conceived?

This world has enough child abuse; starving, uneducated, poverty stricken children and homes. Children (much like myself at times growing up when dealing with my real parents) absolutely miserable and hurt and lonely and confused. Hell on earth. What if their parents felt abortion was a healthy and accepted and safe option? Maybe they would have picked it. And maybe less children would suffer.

You can absolutely shame parents into having their children. But, where are those same people when the parents are still drug addicts? Still suffering from their own mental illnesses? Unable to properly raise a child? No where to be found. But hey… at least the child was born. No regard for the actual life and subsequent suffering of that child.

Adoption absolutely exists… but those families typically want brand new healthy babies. That’s not possible. The ones wanting to adopt should broaden their expectations and go to places where older children are without homes/families and need someone to love them.

If you want a child by adoption, you can’t be picky.

Just as much as mother’s are unable to pick the gender and path and physical attributes of their own child… you can’t be choosy, either. You can’t all have brand new healthy infants that the mom just so happened to pick adoption and she is in great health and took her prenatal vitamins and iron supplements and only drank water and didn’t smoke cigarettes or do drugs and remained happy her whole pregnancy. That’s far and few between.

I had multiple women actually reach out and tell me they wanted my baby. They asserted their “want” after I had very specifically stated my decision of abortion. I did so publicly which is a story for another time. But, I couldn’t believe the actual disregard for my choice because of their need to have a brand new baby.

THERE ARE CHILDREN WHO NEED YOU RIGHT NOW ON THIS EARTH ALREADY ALIVE BEGGING FOR LOVE, BEGGING FOR A BETTER LIFE. I’m just sayin’

Until all those children are adopted, I believe I made the right decision for my own child. I love her, and will always love her. Abortion doesn’t equate not caring or not loving or even immaturity on my part. In my situation, I believe it was one of the most mature decisions I have ever made. I hope many others in similar shoes feel the same way and they don’t let outside judgmental influences make them think any less of themselves. I support you and I think you did something selfless and you did something that shows you can think ahead and realized your child is worth more than the trauma it will face if born.

Not everyone can quickly in 9 months face all their own demons; grow and heal lifelong traumas and subsequent addictions. Sometimes 9 months is no where near enough time for what is required to get you from where you are when the baby was conceived to a mother able to raise a healthy and happy child. Many people don’t realize just how far off that path some women are. They don’t realize how hard it would be to actually try to heal all that needs to be healed by the time the baby gets here or even by the time the baby is old enough to remember… which I would argue is too late…

3. Attachment trauma

happens in the first 12 months of life starting at birth.

You have to be ready when the child is born as to avoid probable lifelong struggles for that child. I have attachment trauma which has caused me to pick toxic and abusive partners my entire life so far.

Never have I picked a healthy relationship for myself of which I am working on now that I finally even KNOW this about myself which has been a major contributing factor to the problem. It’s probably one of my most detrimental traumas I have been through that I can’t even remember or knew it was happening.

It happened when I was with my unfit mother in the first months of life before my loving grandparents took over. My mother didn’t respond to my cues appropriately (or at all I’m sure) (she was an addict, she gave me beer to calm me down apparently, and my father was very abusive to her and vice versa).

She didn’t quite “mother” me as I needed if I had to guess. It didn’t matter that my earliest memories are with my healthy and mature and unconditionally loving grandparents. It didn’t matter 90% of my childhood was spent with and learning from them. My attachment style and ability to pick a toxic person out of a lineup every single time is one of my greatest problems. It effects everything in my life.

I realized in the last 2 or so years I have only ever picked the same type of toxic person with every single choice I’ve ever made regarding relationships.

I am now completely alone once I realized all this.. I had to completely cut ties with everyone after truly needing them & none were there.

I was shocked, hurt, and more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. It was more than a slap in the face. It was an ass beating until I was knocked out and barely breathing... I’m starting over with picking people to have in my life. I still pick toxic most of the time and start over time and time again once I realize it. It’s hard to rewire your brain and it’s patterns that have been around since birth.

This new journey I am on is the only reason I even have hope right now. Those first few months of life truly shaped much of my ultimate struggles and mental illness and suffering. My baby could have faced a similar path. And most likely would have if I’m being honest about where I thought I’d be when my baby would have been born. And now that I’m a few weeks past the due date of my baby… I was right.

I am in no position to have an infant right now. And I don’t believe just being pregnant would have somehow given me superpowers to heal all my issues before she got here.

I actually lost my step dad just days before my due date. What a hard time it would have been on my baby and on myself being a single mother, no family, and my last bit of actual support dying days prior.

My step dad was the person that supported my decision and gave me a place to think and rest and decide when I just needed a person around me. He told me I made the right decision and he was proud of me. I remember reading to him what I had written about my decision and that is the one and only time I have ever seen him cry the entire 13 years I knew him. I’ll never forget it.

4. My love is endless. I’m abused and I abuse, too

I believe the father of the baby is significant in my journey. He’s home as much as I’ve ever known what home feels like. He’s the type of “home” when you are young and watch a scary movie at a friend’s house and desperately just want to go home afterwards instead of stay the night. So, you call your parent, make an excuse to your friend, and get home to safety lol. That’s the home that he is to me.

But, because of my own traumas, childhood upbringing, abuse, addictions, and everything else contributing to my once big (still probably big but slightly not as big) ego: he aka “me” in another body (that’s how it feels truly, I’ve said this for the last 2 years) is abusive. As was I.

I have worked hard to refrain as absolutely much as I can from being abusive at all and really try to catch myself when I start feeling I am being manipulative. Being manipulative once used to be instinctive. I know it seems hard to believe that but it’s true. I had no idea. I knew I was selfish but that’s it.

It isn’t until the recent years after being with my ex did I realize my own manipulative and abusive tendencies. That’s how much your own ego convinces you that you are justified and you are acting appropriately. I understand narcissists very much because of this now.

I can finally say I rarely venture that route but I do catch myself slipping especially when I’m around someone else that has abusive tendencies. When I was with my partner, we both brought out the abusive traits in each other very much. We mirrored back to each other what we needed to work on. I hope he is taking the lesson as I am now.

He may not heal anytime soon… if so, that’s ok, too. It wasn’t meant to be. He will heal when he can and I’ll still love him then, too... and I may be with someone else entirely and love them very much, also. But, not like I love him. It’s something that feels infinite. I don’t know what he feels about it because we aren’t on speaking terms, but I hope he feels that I am his infinite home, too.

Love doesn’t have a limit. The more you love the more love you have to give and the more love you can get back from others. I’ve spent much of my life loving deeply. To my detriment most of the time.

But, I never feel that it was love or time wasted, that’s never been part of the process. I only ever am proud of myself for loving someone regardless of the love I get in return. I am proud to not become bitter when many others would. Or when it’s expected of me.

I love the love I have to give. Maybe it’s not right when listening to the way other’s describe mental health and boundaries and all of that. But if I’ve ever described myself… I don’t quite say I’m healthy. I’m well aware I’m not. But I love others. That’s something important.

Maybe someone else has rock solid boundaries and they can stop relationships before they get to damaging levels. Maybe they are head strong and able to think with their brain much better than their heart. They don’t let their emotions run their life. But, how often do they have such deep love? They are safe and they are looking for stability. Those aren’t the people usually writing love stories. Those aren’t the people, normally, who create and make art and have vivid imaginations and live in hope of idealistic futures.

They are more in the here and now and surviving by means of rules and regulations and strict inner guidelines. And that’s okay. That’s safe. I’m not safe and never have been. That’s ok too, I think.

We both have something to teach and learn. There is a good balance that some have mastered after successfully learning from each other.

Right now, though, I’m not balanced but neither are the people with such built-up walls keeping crazy-making love out of their whole being. I’m just sayin’. *Don’t mistake my own interpretation as something to be sought after.*

Abuse isn’t a great experience, never has been and never will be. But it’s an abrupt and life-altering learning tool used by the universe when all else fails, I think. Abuse is necessary to open your eyes when you don’t want them to be opened. It will happen if it’s meant to and if it’s not, congratulations. You are lucky. It’s hell. It’s the kind of hell that you either flourish or you don’t make it. I choose flourish every time.

5. Dreams

08/27/21

I have felt disconnected with my spirituality recently. I feel as though it’s almost like it’s at a halt. It feels almost like I’m losing it in a way. I began wondering why… and trying to figure out how to get it back.

I don’t want to lose my “connection”. But, I also haven’t been putting in the mental work to stay connected either. I realize this is something I must actively practice and engage and do the work it takes to progress further.

So, I got an audible book about awakening.

In it, she said to start by recording all your dreams in a log as soon as you wake up. Also, attempt to decipher them to the best of your ability and go with your gut instinct. I have 2 entries so far… wish me luck.

6. 11:11 and 11/11

09/04/21

Taken by me 09/03/21 after a particularly bad day. *HB*

The dream log, audible book, journaling/blogging, and 11:11 helped because I’m back baby! 😵‍💫 hello spiritual self goodbye FOMO and lack of continuance of my self awareness journey and self growth

11:11 has been part of my quirks for as absolutely long as I can remember. I believe it started 1) when someone gave it meaning that I could comprehend and 2) during my first round of childhood OCD rituals to make my grandparents live “at least 20 more years” (which seems like a very long time when you are still a young child)

I decided early on in my life that it was immature to ask for selfish specifics. I remember thinking to myself (<10 years old from the best I can remember) how it wasn’t smart or likely effective to ask for any material possessions or to be so specific that it would ruin such a big wish. I felt the “11:11” wish was important and I better make it count and furthermore, I better be consistent as not to confuse whoever may be granting me this wish

I wished for happiness. And, I have wished for it every time I caught 11:11 on the clock; no matter how busy or distracted or selfless or selfish or upset or even happy I was…. I wished for true happiness. I never once felt I already had it even if I would have described myself as happy at the time of the wish.

I’m a little amazed at that last part now that I have put it into words. Childhood trauma and chaos and abusive/mostly absent parents caused me from a very young age to be hyper-aware of the unhappiness of my life. I should have been worried about playing outside and getting to see my friends and what new toy I wanted. I made art, though.

Fast forward to the present time

Getting pregnant towards the end of 2020… being at rock bottom mentally, physically, sexually, spiritually (I was disconnected from something I didn’t know I had), and every other “-ally” there is…. began my true happiness journey unbeknownst to me at the time. I was too busy being a victim to notice and I’m trying so hard to change that.

**trigger warning**

There was only 2 ways to go from where I was at that time… up or suicide. I have refrained from allowing myself to dive too deep into suicidal ideation over the years no matter how easy a slope it was to slip.

But, this time was much different. It wasn’t ideation as much as it was a real means to an end and a real consideration that I could pick of my two options on how to end suffering (and stop any from happening to my baby if forced to be born) that I didn’t think was possible to continue enduring for very much longer.

I had already given up on eating, drinking, talking, explaining, standing up from the sitting position, etc. the farther down the list I go, the more it is just things you don’t even consider when talking about being alive.

I spent 36-48 hours straight in 1 position in water in the bathtub and didn’t even stand up or eat or drink or do anything it means to live multiple times over the few months surrounding the pregnancy and subsequently coming out about the abusive relationship I was in with the father of the baby

However, I also had my saving grace at the time, my step dad. He seemingly was the ONLY bit of health that I had and clung to and he was with my mother for 13 years if that tells you anything about his capability of being mentally stable/healthy at the time (I don’t mean this in a negative way)… him and I were 2 of the same where mental health and boundaries we seriously lacked. I hope this gives some insight to what he meant (and means) to me and how big a role he began to play in my life for the last year[s] before his recent death.

I was close to dying and I think that was my cowardly way of going about suicide without the actual nuts to just do it and get it over with. I guess I subconsciously decided that I could just cause the death by the slow torture of not eating/drinking/getting out of the bathtub while ruminating about all previously mentioned and about how much I deeply loved my baby but was just absolutely unable at that time to even begin to get healthy to carry/raise my beautiful baby. I had fucking face planted at my rock bottom, for real this time.

All those pity parties from when I was younger were fucking laughable at this point. A real joke. I didn’t have a clue about real rock bottom. But, I did now. I was accepting that it was best I just didn’t wake up at a certain point.

I am sorry that on a post about 11:11 that I must describe in detail what my rock bottom was but the happiness wish was granted that I had so often wished for for most of my life because here I am writing this. That was, I think, the start of what will be true happiness. I somehow broke free from the bathtub, I chose abortion (I’m not superwoman and still had no idea how to really get to a point in 7 more months that even began to resemble a good mother and healthy adult).

I had the abortion (very traumatizing experience in and of itself, I was alone overall for it but shout out to my half sister who came to my apartment for me to have the baby after taking the pills, we aren’t close due to age and differences but she will always be another little glimpse of hope I had at that time, thank you.) I slipped back down to that same rock bottom for a little while thereafter but I also had periods of *not* rock bottom. Those periods increased in frequency and time. I somehow was making my way through it.

My spiritual side was now alive in place of my sweet baby. My baby was born on 11/11/20 after taking the abortion pills. I didn’t fully realize my new path to spirituality until my step dad passed away months later. It was thrown at me at that time without any shadow of a doubt and I was forced to embrace it for what it is and can be for my wish in life to come true.

It’s the only path I can take to real happiness.

…. “something kept calling me to put this together even if only for myself” ….

- me from a post I made the night I found out I was pregnant describing in detail for the first time what I had been going through for the last couple years and how badly I needed some support now that I had found myself pregnant / alone.