Quitting Suboxen Instantaneously. This Is Exactly How I Did It.

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“I just want to feel good”. photo/editing: me

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My last post was about how addicts need understanding. I typed that some weeks ago before posting it here and before I quit Suboxen.

I still firmly and proudly stand by all of it except the parts about how difficult it is to quit. It can be… or it doesn’t have to be… that’s my new opinion on it.

And I’ll explain why.

Also, I had no plans to quit Suboxen to be honest. That’s exactly why it worked this time. So far. Knock on fucking wood.

So, I was sent a video from someone on Reddit. He had posted on r/AMA (ask me anything) about quitting heroin when he did acid. I was intrigued because although I love drugs, acid was never something I felt I should try because of how much anxiety I have at times.

Now I feel differently, but I digress.

I had messaged him to pick his brain. I wasn’t actively trying to quit, I also wasn’t actively not trying to quit either.

He had told me he went on a spiritual journey essentially because of the acid trip. Or the acid trip sparked it, rather. And he just… quit.

He said

“of course it was difficult but you just keep going and one day you don’t feel so bad anymore.”

I am paraphrasing but that’s the gist.

He sent me a link to a YouTube video of Alan Watts called “Sudden Enlightenment” Here’s the link below if you are interested.. I really suggest you watch it. It’s so good and can be beneficial for anyone regardless of background. And it’s, if nothing else, soothing. It can be even more if you are open to it.

https://youtu.be/LlAQaakSEzE

So I watched the video. Literally… eyes closed. Listening. Just honestly loving the man’s voice (I had no idea who Alan Watts was at the time).

I really resonated with and enjoyed his message. He isn’t specifically talking about addiction at all. He is talking about becoming aware and the “far out” people and the “in” people. The joker.

You’ll have to listen to understand, I don’t want to butcher his teachings anymore than I already have prior to now.

But, the part that resonated so much with me was the part about doing something without planning or even knowing you are going to or want to. Like doing something without warning. Instantaneously.

He said (my interpretation) that you wouldn’t tell the debt collectors you were skipping town before you left…. They would come knocking at the door. And that’s how he explains what doing something without warning, even to yourself, is. Just doing it. Not warning the debt collectors first or else you are already screwed.

He also gives the example of: there isn’t a school to become a Buddhist. There isn’t a specific regimen or program that makes you become a Buddhist.

A Buddhist becomes one instantaneously.

I hope I’m making some sort of sense. Just watch the video, he very clearly explains what I’m trying to get across here. It’s good shit.

Anyways, this immediately reminded me of quitting smoking once some years ago. I just randomly quit one day. No prior plan or even thought on it. And I stayed quit for 6-8 months. It was strange.

But, it worked.

I always realized the significance of this but never knew how to replicate the circumstances because how do you plan to NOT plan to quit but you can’t be aware you want to quit??? Ya know?

Like wtf is a bitch to do.

I passively made a little mental note about looking into trying to “be open” and for circumstances to be optimal for some addictions I’ve got that I’d rather.. not. Luck? Sure. Spiritual? I believe so. Coincidence? Eh… not likely. Within a few weeks, I randomly for the first time in years was unable to find any Suboxen what-so-ever. I’ve never just NOT been able to find any for days on end. Or indefinitely.

Usually sickness is a reoccurring theme with an addict on narcotics of any kind. I had unknowingly placed SO much power though on the drug over me that I literally would plan out my days and how much I had and start looking a day or two (or three) before I ran out to avoid any sickness at all costs. Especially when I was on Roxys (the drug I was on prior to switching to Suboxen for a healthier habit for lack of better words).

I just literally didn’t want to deal with that part of it at all because my whole life growing up I heard my mom & dad say how it’s the worst thing ever and addiction is just so fucking hard like it’s almost unable to be overcome.

When I tell you they took it to the next level when talking about addiction and being dope sick and all that.

I had it in my brain from a very very young age that it was pretty much a death sentence if I ever got addicted to anything because if my parents weren’t able to ever do it and they talked about how impossible it was to overcome.. I was doomed. So I thought.

I avoided addiction for 23 years of my life. I still partied, I still had a huge interest in experiencing different drugs and having fun.

But, I was always hyperaware of the fact that I did not want to over use or over do any drug especially opiates of any kind. So I limited my use. Not realizing that in and of itself really played no factor in becoming addicted. My mental health did.

So to anyone out there playing with fire… you will get burned that way. You can’t just strategically enjoy drugs for the feeling they give you if you are given a feeling of happiness to replace your day to day feelings of anxiety, depression, shyness, etc… and avoid completely any kind of dependence.

It just won’t work forever.

It can work for awhile. Years maybe. But if your mental health declines or you never address it… drugs will become more and more of something you rely on to feel good when you are so used to feeling bad.

I thought I had the shit figured out… I really did… I had heard the horror stories growing up. I was not sheltered from drugs of any kind purposely to hopefully “scare me” away from them. I have always been glad I have been aware and somewhat educated on drugs in general. It’s helped me in a lot of ways.

But, I’m not convinced that it’s quite the right way to go about getting your child to not go down that path.

I think if you care about your child and their sobriety… you should make sure you are a parent able to raise a healthy and strong child.

Mentally healthy in particular.

Confident. Not full of anxiety. Not from a past of abuse of any kind. That’s how you do your part in keeping them from turning to drugs.

I believe with everything in me it’s a mental health problem and that’s it. Period. End of fucking story. You may think you were mentally healthy before drugs took ahold of you. But drugs don’t take ahold of you. The happiness and euphoric feeling you get when you take them does. You want that feeling again.. and again.. and eventually you want it too often or you can’t go without or you’ll be sick.

It’s addiction at the door, they are moving in whether you like it or not.

Oops. It’s too late.

And you feel like a fucking idiot. Not only an idiot.. but a doomed idiot. Here goes nothing..

*dives head first into addiction lake because fuck it might as well just go with it now, we are already here anyway*

that’s how my brain thought about it, anyway. It may not be the same for others, I am unsure.

I explain all that because the mental part of addiction is so much so the biggest piece of the fucked-up pie.

The mental aspect had me lost in the sauce.

I truly felt like I was a lifelong addict now. I thought that even if for some reason I did quit or tried to quit even… it was going to be a life of misery thereafter without the drugs. A life not worth living.

My parents got straight in this once sober, happy head of mine and jumbled it all up over THEIR insecurities with never being able to quit… not even because of their child[ren]… not even when their life was so messed up it would have been really beneficial for everyone involved if they quit… not even when my poor grandparents spent an UNGODLY amount of money on trying to get my dad sober for years and years and years. (My other grandparents did the same for my mom, too) …. rehabs, methodone clinics, Suboxen, opening up multiple businesses for my dad to have something to live for, letting my dad INTIMIDATE THEM by threatening violence into buying him drugs, the works.

I can PROUDLY say I never once did any of that. I bought my own drugs with my own money and if I didn’t have money then I worked for it. Period. I also had an understanding family member who helped me from time to time as I needed it. But, that wasn’t the case for most of my addiction. And I repaid said person in full.

Anyways, one day… my grandma died. My grandpa had already passed away a couple years prior. My grandma was the last parent I had that treated me well.

My real parents = not doing the best. They never figured out how to treat their child[ren] in any meaningful way. It was a truckload of abuse and neglect and selfishness.

My grandma was my rock. My peace. My support system. My safe space. The one healthy person I had after grandpa passed away. She died somewhat unexpectedly from a UTI of all things. Fuck UTI’s.

That very day, my dad, who absolutely knew better after 30+ years of battling addiction himself, handed me my grandma’s bottle of 90-120 (can’t exactly remember) Percocet 7.5 mg pills. Yay.

I was in for it.

I obviously was no stranger to partying… I knew what to do. I snorted one. Then another. Then another. I felt better. My Dad and I actually got along for once that day instead of him threatening to kill me or shoving a plate of food and a fork in my face for rolling my eyes.

Weird.

So I stayed there for hours just enjoying actually getting along with him. Not realizing what had just been set into motion for me… I knew better. It’s not his fault completely by any means. I knew about addiction. I knew the risk. I kept snorting.

This went on for days. I drove to my dads’ every day for I don’t know how long, at least a few weeks.

We really “bonded” I thought.

Grandma was gone but maybe at least me and my dad can start a relationship that never worked prior.

I hated him growing up, bad. He was in prison until I was 12 for 2nd degree murder (I won’t go into detail but it WAS an accident as far as I’m concerned, just for clarity). When he got out, he never worked. He ran multiple businesses into the ground that my grandpa started for him. Spoiled. He lived with my grandparents and was given a truck, a brand new Harley, a daily means to get high, plus any and all other things he ever wanted. At 40+ years old and on.

One thing he did do? Abuse my grandpa, my grandma, and me.

None of us realized it unfortunately. At least not in the term “abuse”. We knew how awful he treated my grandpa (I saw him smack my grandpa multiple times growing up just because they didn’t see eye to eye).

I actually tried to kill him (kinda) when I saw him smack my grandpa when I was about 13 years old. I was going to do it by pushing him backwards down the steep basement stairs but when I tried, I wasn’t strong enough, thankfully.

How sad.

My grandpa was the best man I’ve ever known and that still holds true. He was in his 80s at this time. He couldn’t fight back. And it killed me to watch my grandpa have to take that because my grandpa was not someone to take that AT ALL. He seemingly had no choice for many reasons.

Our justice system has failed many others in my family prior, we couldn’t guarantee he would be locked up if we called the cops (plus it was just a no-no to ever call the cops in our house unless absolutely necessary). If he wasn’t or if he quickly was released without time for us to up and move our whole lives somewhere safe, actual hell would ensue at that point. I’m not sure we would have all made it to the other side in the same mental, physical, or financial state.… if you are understanding what I’m saying.

My dad was intimidating and fucking mean and much younger and stronger than my grandpa was at 80 something years old. My dad is a coward for doing that.

I’m trying to get better with my anger now a days so I’m going to move on. Anyway, we were abused. Sorry, I literally rant somehow no matter how hard I try to avoid doing it. I’ve got stories on stories on stories.

So my dad hands me the pills, you guessed it… I found myself addicted. I was shook about it. I also didn’t have too much time to be shook because I now had something else taking up much of my brain and my time… my new addiction.

That Percocet habit snowballed into a Roxy habit quickly and then eventually I made the decision (after a failed attempt at quitting because of how “doomed” I thought I was) to switch to Suboxen.

So, now that we are caught up on my opiate addiction journey..

fast forward to Reddit guy, my unknown-to-him guardian angel of sorts

He really did help me. And I should reach out to tell him because I think he would like to know… if nothing else, it’s nice to help someone else past it. So I think he would find some joy in knowing he started the process to my end to opiates.

Thank you Reddit guy, you’re the shit man. lol.

My parents are the reason I will be better and will come out the other side a much stronger version of myself… doing more than they were able to do. And I’m not doing it for that satisfaction. I’m doing it because I deserve it. And because now I know I’m strong enough TO do it.

The secret to beating addiction? For real.

DON’T LET THE DRUG OR THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD OF THE ADDICTS BEFORE YOU HOLD ANY FUCKING POWER.

when I tell you…. The fuckin drugs ain’t shit. Ain’t never been shit. Wish they fuckin’ were somethin but just fuckin’ CAN’T AND WILL NEVER BE SHIT.

I don’t know why I never realized the only reason I had issues at all with quitting.. was because I had these lies in my head.. from other people… that the drugs were something serious.

They were to be feared and placed on the highest pedestal for how absolutely earth shattering they are.

HELL NO. If lil old 28 year old slutty bitch me can quit…. You most certainly can. seriously, I hope you believe that with everything in you because it’s so true.

As soon as you realize that they aren’t… anything.

YES you will get a little sick. But after I realized that Suboxen was nothing more than a pill… and literally nothing more. I wasn’t near as sick as usual. I was able to stay busy cleaning and organizing. I have had the flu and strep throat a time or two in my day… withdrawal, this time, wasn’t even close to the sickness feeling of those two.

I had a friend to keep me accountable and busy. He realized I didn’t want any power placed on the process so he refrained from asking me too many questions or babying me. He didn’t give it any extra power and I’m thankful.

It was just another day another dollar. Without a pill. Which isn’t a big deal…. 🤷🏼‍♀️ the sickness was bearable. Literally. And at times when I needed to lay down… I did. And kept my mind busy doing something besides think about a stupid pill.

And when my mind would obviously wonder towards giving some power to it… I just literally stopped it. Like a mom would do to a child. I said “hell no… I’m not even trying to go there. I’d rather just not” and I wouldn’t. And I quit without letting the debt collectors know… so they wouldn’t come knocking when I skipped town.

And I’m still quit. And I can’t say for certain, no one can, but I hope to remain this way. I have no desire or craving for Suboxen what so ever and never did during the physical symptoms either...

once I truly let go of the power it had over me… the cravings didn’t exist.

Not even once. And that’s the honest truth. Soooo… all those drug addicts aka the voices in your head that you base your opinions of addiction and withdrawals on were really just a bunch of people with insecurities about their own addiction journey or people that think they know and they willingly projected those insecurities onto you. Fuck those people.

You can have a new opinion of those terms now if you decide you want to. It’s that easy if you are open to doing it. The moment you decide that something besides yourself has the power.. you’re screwed.

Just stop placing power. Continue using if that’s how you feel you need to do right now. Focus your energy on learning more about changing thought habits and beliefs and how to take charge of your mind.

Your mind KNOWS you want to quit. You don’t have to remind it every other day that you are going to “quit on Monday” only to not quit on Monday.

I did the same shit so many times it’s sad. Your “you” KNOWS you want to quit so bad. And with that knowledge, you WILL quit.

Just open your mind to other ways of seeing quitting. This is the best way that I have seen to be honest. It’s the path that doesn’t involve other drugs, it’s the path that doesn’t leave you feeling “empty” without the drug. It’s just a mature path to take that you can prove to yourself that you are stronger… much stronger… than a drug.

That drug AINT SHIT and I hope you believe that with everything in you. I’m sorry you are here. The hard part is WANTING to be done. You’ve already acknowledged a problem, decided you don’t like what the problem causes in your life, and also decided you want to quit. Let your brain decide the perfect time to quit before you call the debt collectors. Just help your brain out by learning some more about strengthening it for the task. Listen to good ol’ Alan Watts in the meantime.. he helped me. Maybe reach out to a redditor that seems to have accomplished what you are trying to face yourself. It helps to pick some brains (just make sure they aren’t insecure assholes trying to rain on your parade to make themselves feel better).

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side note…

Sober orgasms are 😩😩😩😩 yummy. It’s worth the inconvenience (and that’s all it is) of quitting. Promise. Mmmm. I’m just saying. No one told me about the orgasms after quitting (they skipped that part and only told me how horrible withdrawals are. Gag.) But I think it’s almost the best part so I’m telling you to pay it forward, you’re welcome. Lol.

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