My Detailed Account Of My Spiritual Awakening (the good, the bad, the ugly, the psychosis?)

I have a preface I must share that will unfortunately discredit my experience in some minds. I can’t change this fact nor can I explain myself enough to make a difference in the minds that will be made up after learning it. I choose to say this first because I believe in telling the truth to the best of my ability. The ball is then left in the reader’s court to discern if they find something of value in my experience but it can never be questioned if I left anyone in the dark on anything. It’s part of my journey and it is what it is. Those that decide to discredit me for it are welcomed to do so. By all means, if that’s how you feel and how you wish to believe, then carry on. I don’t blame you because I have had to interrogate my own self over it many many times. I have done this to my detriment, really. And I’m tired of doing it. I know what I experienced and what it’s done for me. Call it what you will.

I had smoked meth earlier that same morning. This was nothing new… nothing out of the ordinary. I was a daily smoker for 2 years already at that point. I wasn’t lacking sleep (I slept the day prior), I wasn’t hallucinating, I wasn’t abnormally “high” or acting irrationally. If you are someone who is a daily smoker, you understand my head space at this particular time.

I think the part about me also being on meth, in particular, was one of those big universe “tests” to help push me to learn something important about myself and then grow from that place.

In the beginning, it bothered me so much that I was also high on dope during this major event in my life… an event I will never forget… something that will always be the best thing to ever happen to me… and it’s also the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced as well.

But, how ironic that I would be high on a drug that can potentially cause psychosis in which patients’ can present with somewhat similar experiences to mine. Psychosis, in general, can present itself with the person believing they talk to God and/or have other highly spiritual occurrences/gifts/signs.

Great. *sarcasm*. Fun.

I love the irony and the “YOU MUST STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK” lesson. I quickly realized that it was critical I get on board with that because if I didn’t/couldn’t… I would essentially lose my spiritual journey entirely and what it means to me because I’d be essentially accepting society’s idea of my experience once I caved under its’ pressure (which would have undoubtedly pointed its’ fat finger toward meth-induced psychosis because society is one big Negative Nancy that lacks being able to embrace mythical experiences overall. Magic haters 😩). Not everyone is this way and I know that. I have such a love for the believers of the world now. What a special trait that I never acknowledged before this experience… being a believer in magic.

I refused to have my experience taken from me like that. I still refuse. I will always refuse. And in case you ever forget and must ask…. I fucking refuse.

It’s the only damn thing in my entire life that has shaken me up in the right way and just enough to help mold myself into exactly the opposite of all the things I didn’t want to be prior to that day. And it’s taught me the best lesson of all… love. Love for myself and others.

I also believe other key factors play a role in that as well… the circumstances that had led me to the rock bottom of rock bottoms… an extremely toxic/abusive relationship (because of both of us) and the recent loss of that relationship, loss of my career, a tragic yet necessary abortion, getting arrested for the first time and then again a few months later, the loss of every friend I ever had, a meth addiction, and on the actual day of me becoming “awakened” (I really dislike all the terms associated with the experience but I don’t have better words to use so…. Sorry 🤷🏼‍♀️), I lost my step dad after 3 weeks of silence from him because of Jill (my mom) convincing him I had stolen from him and she blocked me on his phone.

He had been in the ICU during those 3 weeks… I had no idea. He was released and being taken care of at home. I had no idea. I’m the only nurse in his family. It would have been beneficial for me to have known he was sick and been able to be there. Also, the stepdaughter that loves her stepfather side of me would’ve also just liked to have gotten a chance to say goodbye… or that I loved him… or that I didn’t steal from him and would never do that. I’d have reminded him the many other lies Jill has tried to swing over the years to jog his memory. Or be able to thank him for everything he has done for me even though he didn’t have to… I would’ve liked some time with him very much before he passed away. And most certainly in comparison to what actually happened which was this:

The last time I saw my step dad, he was screaming at Jill and I because we were screaming at each other. We were screaming at each other because she accused me of stealing from my step dad which was a lie. My step dad hated yelling and especially when my mom yelled. So, he told both of us to leave. I told him ok. I packed my stuff and went to my car. I waited an hour or so to see if Jill would also leave like he told her to do, too. She didn’t. I finally left. I drove back the next morning to try and apologize and explain to him in person because I couldn’t get ahold of him on his phone. I got there and saw Jill’s car, I decided not to pull up the driveway and just kept driving.

For the following 3 weeks, I had texted and called him many times. We both have iPhone and used iMessage. My texts were not going through in iMessage, though, which likely means I was blocked. I have never known my step dad to block anyone… even enemies. He just didn’t block people. He would ignore them, but never block them. I instantly felt Jill had something to do with me being blocked. I still believe my step dad didn’t even know I was blocked and just thought I was upset or busy or whatever other similar reasoning.

That part causes me sadness because If that’s the case, he was in ICU and must have thought I just didn’t even truly care much because I didn’t go see him or even talk to him. Then, he got home, and I still never showed (in his eyes). He had insecurities regarding believing that people didn’t really care about him. I tried extremely hard over the 13 years I knew and loved him to show him that I did care about him as a person and as a father figure. I wasn’t going to be yet another one of the many selfish people around him just trying to get his money. I make my own money. I am willing to work for what I’ve got and I am willing to go without to stay true to “me”. Money is not of top priority to me and it truly never has been.

I know my step dad knows the truth now… that will have to be enough. I explain all this because these are the key factors that lead to my awakening that day. When my step dad died, I found out by Jill’s friend on Facebook Messenger of all places. She wanted me to make sure Jill was ok because she wasn’t answering the phone and no one could find her. Then, she broke the news to me that my step dad died. She thought I already knew, I could tell this by her reaction to my reaction. I lost my shit. She was uncomfortable and I could feel it. I didn’t care. I also cared a lot less about what Jill was doing (she was searching his house and property for hidden money) and a lot more about the fact that my step dad had passed away so randomly in my eyes. What had happened? Why did it happen? What the fuck kinda shit is this? Where the fuck do I need to go to get answers? And finally… is this a sick joke?

I asked her how he died. Before she could even answer, I said… did he overdose or something? She stuttered and said “it was his heart”. I said “what do you mean his heart?” (I didn’t even know he had the 1st or final heart attack). She said “yeah it was another heart attack”. I was just as confused as before she answered my question. I hung up the phone. I freaked the fuck out in my apartment, alone, for the next few hours.

I tried to call Jill one time and one time only. She didn’t answer. I’ve still yet (it’s been 10 months now) to receive any word from her whatsoever since the fight we had at my step dad’s. If it were up to her… I wouldn’t even know he had passed away at least until it was undeniable. I was so wrapped up tightly inside my mind that I didn’t know what was happening in the actual real world any longer. I got dressed/undressed 3 times, each time I’d have multiple items on inside out or backwards because I just couldn’t bring myself back to the real world for long enough to even fucking care to try to put my clothes on correctly.

In the midst of the freak out, I tried to text my ex because he was the only person I could even think to try to get some help from and tell him I needed someone because my step dad had died and I was actively losing my mind. No answer.

I was hurt, deeply. I almost couldn’t handle it. Part of me believes I didn’t handle it at a certain point. The next thing I know, I’m waking up in the living room floor from a dream. I have no memory of being tired or laying down in the floor. All I can remember is that one minute I’m lost in the sauce contemplating whether I should go to my step dad’s house and be with his family or if I should avoid the possible drama that would ensue if I were to see my mom to save everyone from the extremes I would likely go if I saw her. I wanted to hurt her, bad. If I’m being honest, I wanted to kill her. I felt this gut feeling she had somehow killed him and she damn sure killed the time I could have been made aware anything was wrong with him in those 3 weeks. But, with that same intensity, I wanted to refrain from causing further pain/hurt to his other family from my potential actions.

My awakening that was about to happen answered that question for me with clarity. I’ve said this from the moment I put any thought to the experience but it strongly felt as though my step dad gave me a dream. The dream (I’ve went into more detail on it on my other posts so I’ll summarize here) was foreign to me. It felt unlike anything that would ever normally happen in my dreams. Another important thing to know was that this was the one and only time I’ve ever actually died in a dream and furthermore, stayed in the dream after death and observed what was happening while outside of my dead body, floating above it actually.

To summarize it… my mom and I were in her car and I didn’t have my seatbelt on. She noticed this as she was turning onto my step dad’s road to his house and where he died earlier that day. It was raining in the dream. I saw her pretend to lose control of the vehicle. I knew she was pretending because she said “oh no what’s happening?” in a strange monotone voice and the look on her face said the opposite. She noticed me attempting to put my seatbelt on but it was too late. She wrecked us on purpose in front of my step dad’s house. She had her seatbelt on the whole time and she survived, I did not. I was floating above my body and the wreck and witnessed my mom’s fake tears in victimhood as she was surrounded by a bunch of people hugging her and telling her how sorry they were that she lost my step dad and her daughter in the same day. They felt extra sorry for her that she was forced to “witness” my unfortunate death by “accidentally” wrecking the car. Unbeknownst to everyone, she killed me on purpose. And, she was loving all the sympathy she always felt she deserved because of my existence. I already knew she thought this way because of the lies she would tell everyone for the years leading up to this. I’ll spare you the details for another time for the sake of everyone and myself right now.

Maybe I died that day. Maybe I actually just… died. Maybe not, too. But it would make a lot of sense if I did. And like many others have asserted, I experienced the somewhat typical experience of life-after-death and was given an option to return if I wished. I don’t remember it that way exactly because it was an experience based completely around “feeling” and “taking it all in”. This feeling just gave me exactly what was needed in order for a very long overdue door to open and allow for the follow up information and questions to flood in and the right answers to be known intuitively inside of me. Those answers have always been there but I didn’t know the questions to ask nor did I have any confidence that I’d know such a thing without learning it first from somewhere else besides within. So, the answers were useless inside of me until I was able to trust the universe.

I trusted the universe because I was shown it for what it is after I woke up from my dream in which I died. I remember opening my eyes in the floor and thinking “I wonder why and how I fell asleep” it was about 1 pm and sunny outside when I woke up. My step dad had died in the early morning hours. I didn’t move after waking up like I normally would. I just laid there half awake and half asleep but aware enough to realize this. I was surprised by my dream and left with my new idea of what to do about my step dads’ death and my mother (hint: grieving alone in my own way away from everyone and never speaking to my mother again and loving her from AFAR… wayyyyy AFAR).

As I laid there somewhat lost in thought… I suddenly felt this electrical pulse inside of me moving around my body. It was a very unique feeling I’d never felt before and it started in my lower stomach and back (I felt it in both simultaneously). Then, the electrical energy began to migrate towards other parts of my body.. I somehow knew to submit to the experience… that was unlike me, but, I knew. And I did. Then came my gift…

The gift of waking up to the universe and what it means and where to go next and if there is even “more” at all. There was a lot of other pertinent information I recieved as well. I also became so opposite-minded on almost every thing I had believed prior. A day I could never forget, ever.

My experience consisted of me being “sucked” into space/the universe. It felt like I was floating once I got there… kinda. It’s very hard to put into words exactly what happened, really. It’s something beyond what words can provide. It’s unreal to earthly experience. I’ll try my best, though. It felt like I had a “guide” but I never saw another “thing” with me, either. I just felt the presence of something by my side, comforting me. I don’t remember asking any questions nor being given any answers by common ways one might get the answers to something. No words were spoken necessarily. But, information was given to me by “feeling”. I felt unconditional love. That’s the only thought I can remember having was me being very aware of unconditional love and what it feels like to every cell of your body when you experience it truly. I felt so loved and like I loved everything with the same intensity. It was kind of like both of those were the same thing, not 2 separate concepts. But, I somehow knew both were occurring somewhat. It felt like I had an option to stay or to go back but I also don’t feel like I really was given a choice, it was known in the same instance it was proposed… And back to earth I went. This was not a dream nor did it even resemble a dream and I’ve never been confused on that. It was an outer body experience.

When I came back to the floor in which I laid the entire time and also left, too, I instantly knew there was more than this life on earth. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. Here were some of the other things I instantly knew:

1. I would never in this lifetime be able to appropriately associate with my mother and I must never try again for everyone’s sake

2. What unconditional love was and that it was the “why” to everything and existence

3. That I love my ex and wished to navigate my way to healthily doing so however that must happen

4. That angels existed and were there to support me (and everyone else)

5. That life just really isn’t that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things

6. That I could make a difference with this experience

7. That there was no judgment day nor did the universe (that’s what I call God, it’s the same concept… kinda… but God, to me, is more than what is taught in the Bible, and “the universe” covers the idea somewhat)

8. That my step dad was right there with me and helping me as I needed it because he knew the real “me”

9. That my life is what I make of it: nothing more or less, for bad and good (furthermore there is no “bad” there is only dark which is just the absence of light)

10. That there is a big difference in spirituality and religion. I was never religious before nor am I religious now. But I am very much so spiritually-driven

11. That magic is everywhere at all times if you are open-minded and willing to experience it

12. All my prior judgmental or close-minded opinions were wiped away

13. I wouldn’t identify either way now, really, but it’s somewhat telling, I think. Before this experience I would have identified as republican because my grandparents were… I didn’t care like they did about it but still that’s how I would have identified. I don’t identify as a democrat now (I just wish to stay away from all of it… I think it’s all corrupted by power) but my new ideas on common hot topics in the U.S. more align with the democratic views, it seems. Just throwing that out there because it was something I quickly realized in the days following the experience.

14. That I’ve lived on earth many other lives prior to this one. It’s not my first or only rodeo.

15. At one point, some days later, I thought that I was going to die. The signs I had been given and my own mental freak-out had pointed me in this direction… maybe it was my ego death. I don’t really know. But later, I found out it was also on the exact date of my baby’s due date that I felt this (6/21/21). Instead, because of my abortion, my actual baby’s “date” was 11/11/20. I didn’t feel judged for this any longer but I strongly wished I had my baby and wished that I didn’t feel so backed into a corner and like abortion was all I could have done to get myself and my baby out. But the universe knows that’s how I felt… like it was the only option I could pick for myself and for my baby to avoid what I felt would happen if forced to live this life.

I can’t think of any more right now but I know there were so many more. I wish I would’ve written them all down, kinda, but also I kinda feel like… does it really matter? I guess it does because I’m trying my best to explain it now. But, whatever. I’m just trying to figure out how not to really care about “the small stuff” and some days I get it right and some days I wish to explain myself and my experiences. I hope they help someone else and I hope it helps me to put it down in writing and for it to exist outside of my own mind.

For the next few weeks, I lost my shit. I would say that this was when my world really turned upside down. With all these new ideas I had, it fucked my head up. I spent weeks obsessively: contemplating life, what it means, why, how, was I crazy, if not crazy, then what?. I made art. Hours and hours and hours worth of art was made every single day by me. I painted so much that it also made me crazy lol. I didn’t know why I was doing that but I also couldn’t help it. I felt connected to everyone at some points. I felt very isolated at other points. I was given many signs from the universe in those few weeks letting me know what I experienced was real. I learned quickly about synchronicities from experience and then looking up the significance of them after the fact. The angels were a big part of my experience in those weeks and ever since, really. I dedicated every second to “figuring out” what the actual fuck was going on.

It really threw me for a loop. It’s the most profound experience I’ve ever had in this lifetime. I’m unsure if I’ve ever had similar in other lifetimes but if I had, I didn’t and I don’t remember them.

I feel strongly that I just completely had given up on life and laid down to die in the floor. In that time, I was shown what was needed for me to have a purpose again. I wanted to tell my story. And I wanted to understand. And I wanted as many others as I could reach to understand, too.

It’s now 10 months later. In those 10 months, I’m still changing to something so different that I’m not even sure “opposite” is a way to describe it any longer. I’ve let go of needing to understand quite as much as I did in the beginning. I, finally, after quite some time, gave up questioning my experience and I began recognizing it as real as real can get because I get to determine that in my own life, not society. I’ve said fuck societal norms for the most part because they are bullshit. Luckily, they seem to be changing as I change, too. Part of me feels that we ARE all one and the changes I make, makes waves. And those waves are the change of everything (and same goes for everyone else and their respective changes). It’s a weird and mind-boggling thought that I have trouble really diving into fully although I believe it’s also where the meat of it all lies… we are all one energy. We can either work with it or try to work against it without succeeding. I have spent my life prior (and even sometimes now) working against it… trying to be “in control” of my own life. Trying to be independent and respected. Trying to be what I thought made me “good”. Now I’m trying not to give a fuck about any of that and just “be”.

To be continued…

And side note just in case I didn’t portray it correctly in my experience above:

I am so thankful. So fucking thankful. And I hope that this happens to everyone that it would be of benefit to happening to. Maybe not so crazy-making, though. And I hope this world continues to change for the better… I do believe it will. My intuition tells me that it is. And my intuition is a fucking truth-telling bitch and nothing less.

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